Posts Tagged ‘australia’

Seven News Teaches Cops About Crowd Behaviour, Allegedly

November 6, 2015

A Seven News cameraman apparently showed cops on the Melbourne Cup shift how crowds behave by having a woman push over an officer.

Acting Superintendent Steven Cooper was preparing to explain how crowds behave at the time. The 25-year-old drunkard shoved Acting Superintendent Cooper into some bushes, which caused his reading glasses to break.

Raw footage from a Seven News camera shows her approaching the officer while the cameraman whines “Oh no!” While being led away, the drunkard looks right at the camera and says the cameraman made her do it.

The face of an alleged badass.

The face of an alleged badass.

Cameramen are known for passing the time with gallows humour and amusing anecdotes, as seen in the entertaining Sydney Siege footage of cameramen who didn’t know they were on air.

Choice Sydney Siege quotes included “He got garlic bread as well! Wish I worked for The Guardian!” and “You see that cop car? Go and turn it over!”

A good time was had by all. Two horses died which makes the occasion more dull than a Dothraki wedding.


It’s ok! They’re Christians

September 11, 2015

Clause I

We, the government and white creators of the Continent of Australia, people so white that we decided our island should be the shape of the Bat Signal, in the presence of the one and only God of the Anglicans who may or may not be King Henry VIII with his shirt off, do hereby declare that we will take more Syrians.

We will help Christians, who worship of the sky that did create the Earth and chopped off His wives’ heads. We will help those who go to church and rest on Sunday, but not Friday or Saturday for that is when we drink and when no one in God’s entirely green non-warming flat Earth has their holy day. We will take the mild mannered, the heavy drinkers, who are white and racist but not against us. We will help people who most resemble Australians, living in occupied land and not really at the same risk of dying as the Muslims in ISIS territory. Wait a minute why are ISIS killing the Muslims? I thought they were the bad people. Oh okay, that’s just what we tell them. No don’t type that.

Clause II

We do declare the sea level may be rising. The dwelling of Rl’yeh may soon swallow the South Pacific and this is quite funny. Oh shit a boom mic. Climate change is still complete crap. Please respect my private conversation, by the way can we have your Internet metadata? You have nothing to hide if you’ve done nothing illegal. Oh yes, you have been a naughty boy or girl. Oh yes, The Pirate Bay. Oh, South Park reruns, yes! ASIO will be watching you close, you miscreant.

Source: ABC News

Clause III

We declare that jokes about Pacific islands and people’s homes sinking into the ocean will have no effect on a political career. If the joker was someone whose office heard twice about the decision to stop and search people for citizenship papers in the street, then denied knowing about it, you may consider that to be the lubricant that prepares people for this self-fucking moment caught on film. The moment will fit smoothly and be forgotten after a while, so loose will be the morals of politicians. This microphone-clad event will glide in and out of the public psyche and the people will do nothing, even while the joking minister feels the salt spray of his joke fill him with embarrassment like a seawater enema. Other politicians will remember and ask, hey Minister, remember the time you fucked yourself? Then all present will forget it.

It looks something like this.

It looks something like this. Source.

The exception to Clause III will be if the people make this business viral. Keep reminding each other and the politicians involved. Bring it to the Minister’s attention and let that self-fucking sensation pummel through the colon of politics, until good sense lashes into it and dampens the fires of arrogance.

Ipso facto, a Minister cannot fuck himself and feel it (what do you mean or herself? Can you get female members of cabinet?) unless people help a little.

Tyler, Destroyer of Worlds

July 29, 2015

If protests haven’t killed Tyler, the Creator’s Visa, why is he banned? Well, because we’ll all die otherwise.

Australian feminist organisation Collective Shout have called out American rapper Tyler, the Creator’s rapey and murdery lyrics, demanding he be kept out of the country.

In response, Tyler (full name Tyler Gregory Creator Okonma The ,) could’ve assured his Aussie fans that he was on his way. He could’ve reminded everyone of his stance on Collective Shout, mostly “Fucking bitch.”

Instead the rapper demonstrated his ability to raises miniature apocalypses in a public forum. Not with a long letter like Martin Luther, not with a speech like Churchill. He went to the Internet’s number plate factory, where we are all prisoners stamping tiny messages on each other’s eyeballs. Twitter.

Fans responded by sending murder and rape threats to Collective Shout director Coralie Alison, who says the Internet’s anger hasn’t bothered her. It’s the Internet. That’s how they say hi.

Still, Mr. Creator has demonstrated his ability to raise an army in 140 characters. Imagine what he could do by crossing the Pacific.


Pictured: Tyler’s Creation. 

Creator’s rap posse, Odd Future, were dropped from a New Zealand music festival last year after lobbyists pushed for their expulsion. This may be a long term benefit for Odd Future, who will find it easier to pick off smaller enemies before turning the newly friendless Australia into a post-apocalyptic horror of sand, where oil is scarce and punks in leather fight for resources. It’s assumed that in these end times, Mel Gibson will return. He’ll have a dog.

There’s much reason to believe Creator isn’t a woman hating gaybeater who wants everyone rapemurdered. He’s half Canadian, he taught himself piano as a child.  He openly supported Frank Ocean, his openly gay Odd Future buddy, after Ocean came out to the press. Still, he swears by the word faggot in his music and seems to shrug at people who take offense, because he doesn’t mean anything by it.

Apart from a possible future as the Antichrist, Creator’s only real flaw seems to be insulting everyone.


At the 2014 Coachella festival he insulted celebrity audience members. When fellow maplebloods Tegan and Sarah tutted at his lyrical content, he announced:

A couple years later, Mountain Dew decided he’d make a great ad writer. This happened.

WordPress is so offended that it won’t embed the video properly.

Tyler, the Creator is part of a Hip Hop movement called Horrorcore. Rappers try to capture the psychological, uneasy tone of horror films. Metal pioneers Black Sabbath had the same intention when they played in pubs with hobbit rockers Led Zeppelin. It takes the listener somewhere different, like Grand Theft Auto games when one runs over a hooker and collects her money by walking on top of it. It’s fiction. People like Collective Shout claim that we can’t tell the difference. So make sure you know the difference and enjoy your weird horror rap.

Phnglui mgwlnath Tyler, the Creator Melbourne wagn’agl fhtagn.

House of Border Guards

June 15, 2015

Happy birthday!

It’s 800 years since the Magna Carta was born. A few grumbling barons pulled the equally grumbling king to a grassy patch of Runnymede, which is the closest a town name has ever come to being a drinking song. The Magna Carta (Great Charter, or literally Big Paper) declared that everyone in society was a servant of the law. Even the king. It was 1215 and the world was a little colder.

To understand King John's mood, imagine this conversation.

To understand King John’s mood, imagine this conversation.
“Sign here. Great. Here’s your phone. You’re now an Apple user.”
“What have I done?”

It’s 2015 now. It’s becoming fast apparent that Australia’s ruling party paid people smugglers to send away at least one boatload of asylum seekers. This crime carries up to 20 years in prison, since people smuggling is the oil that keeps slavery running.

Here’s my prediction:

More evidence will appear. There will be no arrests.

Why no arrests? Because to arrest a Member of Parliament, the Attorney General must approve. That man is George Brandis, whose most famous fights in office have involved stopping asylum seekers from entering UN Refugee Charter Nation Australia, plus loosening Racial Discrimination laws. His reasoning? Not that people need protection from State censorship, or the ability to debate and strengthen ideas (the reasons why freedom of speech exists), but that we “have a right to be bigots.”

The Attorney General’s office is designed to take a lawyer and pull them out of their political career for a while, so they can take care of the High Court and defend the government if need be. They’re meant to be impartial and keep the court independent, aloof, unbiased.

When the office came to Australia a century ago, much like the convicts and settlers, it changed. Now the Attorney General is a senior member of Cabinet, who slugs it out in the political arena and is expected to keep the court biased. All for the Party. If someone wants to give the government legal trouble, they come through Big Bad Brandis first.

Oh – since 1903, the Attorney General has been allowed to intervene in court cases. If you put a human trafficker in a court, then lower Brandis down from the ceiling, he will legally be a deus ex machina. He becomes judge and god.

On the third day of legal proceedings, Attorney General Brandis abrogated the case against the Prime Minister. He then removed all brown looking people from the courtroom and he saw that it was good.

On the third day of legal proceedings, Attorney General Brandis abrogated the litigation. Records show he then removed all brown looking people from the courtroom and he saw that it was good.

So why will there be more evidence?

Because the leaks come in organised bursts, each one just in time for a fresh news day. There is motive. The Prime Minister is one of the most unpopular ever, several people around him want his seat. People who worked for the refugee camps are lining up to report every kind of abuse which humans can use to attack each other. There’s a focus on child victims.

So if someone is betraying Tony Abbott, who is it?

The most likely candidate to succeed the PM would be Malcolm Turnbull, who likes to dig in his barbs when things look especially bad for PM Abbott. Around the same time, he does a capital job of selling himself to the public. To get around the many far right elements of his party who disagree with his liberalism, Turnbull has to be shrewd. Still, his leadership is a matter of time. In 2009, when Abbott was far more popular, he took the leadership from Turnbull by one vote.

Then there’s Foreign Affairs Minister Julie Bishop. She’s been loyal, totally loyal, but only pragmatically. In the February leadership spill, she backed down only when it became apparent that the PM had a good chance of leaving at least one greasy paw on his chair. She gambled and thrived.

Fun fact: Before politics, Julie Bishop was a WA solicitor for asbestos user CSR. She drew out the court case so that the victims would die and the companies would owe their grieving families less money. Lawyer Peter Gordon reported that she asked why victims “should be legally entitled to jump court queues just because they were dying.”

It could be someone lower in the Party who wants more power in the reshuffle that follows. Perhaps it’s a well connected someone or ones from a rival party. It’s possible that Tony Abbott is an idiot savant who was made for pandering to people’s ignorance, but is clumsy with hiding evidence. Perhaps he’s not psychopathic enough to make sure the traffickers and refugees who witnessed the payment were silenced, or he’s sociopathic enough not to think of it.

Pictured: Not Tony Abbott.

Pictured: Not Tony Abbott.

There’s a phenomenon called the Cobra Effect. In the British Raj, there was a plague of cobras. The British gave a cash reward to anyone who killed the snakes. They weren’t used to the clever Asian traders. People hacked the system and began to breed cobras and make a snake-killing. When the British discovered this, they scrapped the reward. Those snake peddlers had no use for their stock anymore. They released the cobras into the wild and the population increased.

Paying people smugglers to skip the dangerous action of offloading their human cargo is a Cobra Effect.

Meanwhile, watch this story. There’s more to come.

The Impressive Story of Nauru

May 12, 2015

Nauru is a rock sticking out of the ocean, just below the equator. The sun bakes it like a stone grill. Average temperature: 31 degrees Celsius.

Drought comes to Nauru every few years and has since at least the 1950s. In any five years, rainfall rollercoasters from around 500 to 4500mm. Clouds dodge and swarm the island, even though clouds have no idea when they’re not wanted. Nauru’s sea level is rising at twice the world average.

The rock Nauru is made of phosphorous (P15), an element whose name can be translated as ‘Lucifer.’ Phosphorous is in DNA and is the active ingredient in phosphorous grenades, which don’t blow you up so much as set you on fire. The phosphorous in ash is why new plants grow so well over land that’s been raided by fire.

The Polynesians and Micronesians made the rock a cosy home/oven and formed themselves into tribes 3,000 years ago. Though they’ve changed shape and name over time, this makes the tribes of Nauru older than Ancient Rome. The tribes were matrilineal, their heritage came from the mother’s side. This is common in societies that don’t practice monogamy and aren’t sure about their father’s identity.

Rush forward to the 1700s. British sailors bump around the Pacific, especially Tahiti which they find is even more of an orgy than the other islands. In 1798 a whaling ship named the Hunter stumbles upon Nauru. Captain John Fearn finds the island pleasant and names it Pleasant Island. His legacy as the least creative person in the universe is forgotten.

Around 1830 an escaped Irish convict named John Jones ends up on Nauru. Jones declares himself dictator and for some reason, the tribes believe him. He purges the island by banishing everyone he doesn’t like. After 11 years, the tribes throw him off the island. The years in which this happened, along with how many people he killed and/or ate, are up for debate.

When you talk about the British Pacific, assume everyone’s a cannibal. If a convict or Islander king didn’t eat anyone, it’s worth mentioning. The most famous example might be Ned Kelly, although he ate his horse.

This is what an Australian looked like 200 years ago.

This is what an Australian looked like 200 years ago.

Sailors bring the Nauruan tribes booze and guns. A chief gets accidentally shot at a wedding and his tribe slightly overdo the revenge. In 1878 the revenge becomes total war between the island’s twelve tribes. The population shrinks by a third to 900 until the tribes agree to a ban on alcohol and some of the guns.

The Nauruan Tribal War reaches its true end when the English let the locals know that Germany owns their rock. They made a trade deal or something. 36 Germans land on the island. A unit of Marines arrests all the chiefs and makes the tribes give up their remaining guns. There are 765 left when the tribes hand them over. Germany decides that a man named Aweida is king of the island and that he won the war. The tribes go along with it. The German flag flies over Nauru. Things get weird now.

Australia gets Nauru next, when they declare war on Germany in 1914. The Germans go along with it in a bloodless takeover. Somewhere in South Africa, Gandhi has an unexplained boner. Britain informs the Australian troops who captured Nauru that they own the island. They go along with it.

The Japanese take over in 1943. They throw all the island’s lepers into the sea, send 1,200 Nauruans to labour camps and are worse guests than that one convict. Two years later they surrender to Australian troops. Britain tells Australia that the island is still UK property but they can do the admin work. Australia goes along with it again.

Two decades later, Nauru becomes the world’s smallest independent republic. They place the alchemical symbol for phosphorous on their Coat of Arms, giving them the edgiest heraldry in the Pacific. Their first president Hammer DeRoburt is voted into office four times, he’s educated in Geelong, Australia and dies in Melbourne. He spends some time in Nauru, introducing Australian Rules football as the national sport. His interests include Australia.

Nauru becomes a major tax haven and money laundering centre.

Nauru mines its own phosphate with companies it owns and earns the second highest GDP in the world. Before the ‘80s, Nauru was forested and luscious. Now it’s stripped bare. When phosphate mining began under the British, there was no attempt to repair or replant. Everyone blames the administrators. Nauru sues Australia, who go along with it and settle out of court. New Zealand and the UK give a one-time payment of $12 million each, while Australia hands over $2.5 million a year for the next 20 years. The mineable phosphate runs out in 2006.

Four U.S. banks ban dealings with Nauru in 1999 because of the whole money laundering tax haven thing. The country is going bankrupt. Like a lottery winner, all its sudden wealth has been mismanaged and disappeared.

The name 'Nauru' can be translated to 'MC Hammer.'

The name ‘Nauru’ can be translated to ‘MC Hammer.’

Australia sends Nauru a freighter full of mostly Arab refugees. In typical Australia form, they ship scores of diseased people to live on a new island. Camps pop up which the refugees refuse to go in, since WWII is fresh in everyone’s minds. They assure the refugees that it’s just until they’re processed as asylum seekers. More and more refugees come, dumped by Australia’s government in what Norway, the first freighter’s owner, calls a political stunt that breaches international law for votes. Since the refugees aren’t uneasy enough about being concentrated in camps, Australia calls this the Pacific Solution. Nauru goes along with it.

After a left wing government closed it for half of the 2000s, the Nauru refugee detention facility now holds 2,000 people who seeked asylum from wartorn countries via Australian waters. The government assures them they’ll never be allowed into Australia, which is still paying Nauru $2.5 million a year for making their island ugly.

Soon after the freighter of refugees arrives, Operation Weasel may or may not have happened. It’s such a hushed operation that even in 2015, no one knows if it’s real. Nauru is in the centre.

There are two possible things it could be.

  1. The U.S. and New Zealand want to help North Korean scientists defect. They have the Nauruan embassy in China sneak their defectors out of the country. The entire embassy is a front for this, which should be obvious since it’s staffed with Americans and New Zealanders. Nauru will be paid for their help, if they stop the tax haven thing. Nauru did reform its banking around this time.
  2. A couple Nauruan embassies have become corrupt and are selling passports to terrorists. Operation Weasel may be America and NZ’s attempt to stop this. The Beijing and Washington embassies did close in 2003.

In 2015, Nauru is adjusting to life without mining money. Citizens pay no tax. The island is covered in huge spikes of coral, formed by the mining. It’s impossible to build or grow anything on those peaks.

There’s a concept called peak phosphorous, where the world’s phosphorous mines empty. Estimates of when this will happen are scattered all about, ranging from 1991 to 2069. When peak phosphorous happens, commercial fertiliser will become useless (Source: Wikipedia), along with grenades that set you on fire. The element of phosphorous will become nothing but a fiery building block of DNA, teeth, ash and rocks like Nauru.

Reasons Why No One Knows Aussie History Is Balls-Out Insane: Reality TV

April 28, 2015

Trigger Warning: Contains Mel Gibson.

I just watched the first episode of Gallipoli, the TV series that stormed our living rooms early this year. It starts with a bang and introduces the deep bonds between the Aussie kids watching each other die, the writing is perfect, it drips with humanity and it was beaten by reality TV.

Source: The great [url=]BostonDanceParty[/url]

Source: The great BostonDanceParty

It was the most explosive and important thing on Australian television in a long time, except no one heard that explosion under the sounds of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

It showed after The Block, which finished late and made Gallipoli’s timeslot unreliable.

I’m A Celebrity is top news today [This article was written in March], with some former English cricketer winning the … whatever it was. He was crowned King of the Jungle after beating some footballer and some TV personality. May his kingdom prosper until a lion eats him and takes back its crown.

When I read the ‘Celebrity’ cast of the show that beat Gallipoli, I become an owl for a minute. “Who? Who? Who?”

Channel 9 didn’t advertise the show’s strengths. They called it the “TV event of 2015,” which doesn’t mean anything. Maybe Channel 9 didn’t believe in this show, since it didn’t display Griffith’s dodgy past and Matthew Newton’s buttocks in a pile of money. Since they dropped the ball, let me sell it to you.

Gallipoli isn’t the same story you’ve seen before. You look in the child faces of the diggers who lied about their age. When they kill, they suffer. Tolly comforts his mother, who cries when she finds out he’s enlisted with his brother Bevan. Soon after, with bullets buzzing overhead, the brothers’ friend yells “Oh bugger this! Who wants to go back down to the beach for a swim?” They vote Aye with shaking voices, then run into the bullets. Child soldiers die. The brothers get separated and Bevan’s earlier words chill: “Stay close. I promised Mum.”

Unlike Underbelly Season 2: A Tale of Two Buttocks, Gallipoli is historically accurate. Based on a bestselling book, adapted by one of Australia’s greatest screenwriters. The cast is iconic. The actors still have their Aussie accents, unlike some Gallipoli film actors I could name.



There’s a movement to celebrate Aussie history, gaining more and more talent. When a show that defines our national character comes along, just try it. A good, entertaining, mind blowing history lesson is life changing.

Originally intended for publishing in a newspaper that doesn’t take columns anymore, but didn’t tell any of their columnists that.

Underreported News Week!

August 2, 2014

Journalism this week has sucked, so here’s what matters.
People who worked on Nauru are now allowed to talk about it in court. Basically everyone in detention is being abused in every way. There are no police checks or laws against child abuse, every kind of which is happening. They’re under oath.
There’s a court order to every newspaper and Facebook user not to report on any president of Malaysia, the presidents of Indonesia and Vietnam and several of their Ministers taking bribes, so don’t talk about it. It has something to do with China and Southeast Asia printing plastic money like ours.
An SBS journalist has been shot at several times on the MH17 crash site and doesn’t know which side fired, even though according to him, journos call them all separatists.
The Age today: “Israel soldier captured, 70 dead in Gaza.” LOL. Misleading headlines are considered horrible journalism and The Age knows better.

I like to bear good news so here are some Mitch Hedberg jokes. Wasn’t 2003 great?
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one, so I got a cake.
It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got, fucker!
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Telling Your Friends You’re Visiting India

July 30, 2014

This is for you who’ve gone to a country that everyone has ideas about, but no one knows about. The countries where you can tell how dumb someone is by how uneasy it makes them that you’d go there.

It’s like a symphony

The moment music changed

During Beethoven’s 9th

When the music goes blank

Silence thickens the air

Then a man starts to sing


The first voice ever in a symphony. He sings about joy.


Each sound in the room halts

And up swells the silence

Everybody staring

Then the voices rush you

A chorus of bogans,


“Why the FUCK would you go to India?”


They hiss up their ciggies

And mumble into cans

They exhale in comfort

And breathe a fog of war

A smokescreen from the world

That goes on without them


And I know stuff they don’t, the scent of sweet hashish

Tight bodies stomping sand while songs impale their minds

A million colours pegged about by cackling girls

A forest filled with youths who each have fled a war

The sea and sky at dawn so pink it sears the eyes

I never saw those clouds, the comfort zone of smoke

The end is Alliterative Verse in Iambic Hexameter, the rest is Whatever triameter.

A Plea To Australia’s Government

July 18, 2014

This is an open letter to Australia’s leaders regarding Malaysia Airlines flight MH17.

Russia, China, Southeast Asia, Indonesia. The countries which we need to treat with diplomacy are the easiest for us to annoy and they’re all friends. On the map they make an arrow shape, a gigantic wedge formation pointed at our shores. Indonesia has ten times our population. Russia and China? Well.

Today’s actions were horrible. Someone has brought a piece of human progress crashing down, full of people, using an advanced human weapon. The Netherlands and Australia are both moderate sized countries and though we both bleed, they are far more wounded than us. The fairness to admit that is an Aussie trait which brings us pride.

But we can’t hurl angry words like we did today. Maybe we could talk tough if war were on our doorstep, the way Belgium and Poland did when they realised they would be the first little countries smashed in each World War. Maybe we could put an impressive gouge in a far bigger enemy, like they did before they were swallowed. But now is not the time for tough talk because now is not the time to gain respect like a doomed country that still holds up its fists. This tragedy will give us a small leverage over the giant Russia, if they’re even responsible. Malaysia Airlines should never have flown over a war zone. Most of all, we need friends in the area because we need to investigate.

Now is the time for diplomacy.

If we survive another century, we’ll do it by becoming great diplomats. There’s a Second World arrow cutting us off from our allies. Although we have some of the world’s best soldiers, we must use peace and negotiation as the superweapons they are.

Who loses if we increase tensions over this? Ukraine. The Netherlands look bad because we’re speaking for the victims. Everyone, if it comes to war.  Economically, the whole world loses whether or not there’s a fight. We Westerners don’t know if we can take them, but we Australians know we’ll get our brave Poland moment when they roll over us before help can arrive.

This future is far more realistic than it sounds today. After the Cold War, Russia held onto its friends outside Europe, like China, the anti-Western Sharia states and the dictatorships of North Africa. Since the Arab Spring knocked down more of those pieces, they’d be wise to stay friendly with Muslim states like Indonesia, Malaysia and Bahrain who share many Russian ideologies. Few people know that parts of Southern India are Communist and though the Cold War is gone, many of its faded battle lines are still in place. Even if we try to improve the hard, stubborn diplomatic tactics that have done Australia more harm than good in Asia, Russia may still beat us at the diplomacy game. We could have half the world’s weapons pointed at us because we puffed out our chests at the wrong time.

At least 11 Indonesians were on board the plane which Malaysia lost. We Pacific nations have a common cause in this tragedy. For the sake of our future, let’s look to those commonalities and use this crisis for good, not for the aggressive words that our current government tends to favour. We citizens have confidence that you, our leaders, can see a higher cause than scrambling over each other to look like the strongest leader. Remember China and France in WWII. Partisan politics tore those mighty countries apart and their opponents crushed them with no effort because of it.

Since so much charred, exploding human progress is in the middle of this conflict, let’s compensate by making human progress. Let’s aim for peace and keep Asia’s fury away. For all our sakes, don’t poke the bear.