Posts Tagged ‘abbott’

Where Is Tony Now? A Guide To Ostracism

September 16, 2015

We dismantle Tony’s empire this week.

We unsmuggle the budgies, pull the motor cord that starts the boats, bury the axe he took to the tax. Mount Doom is bursting apart and two MPs in suits lay on the dead rock of the mountainside, lava cascading all around them. In their direction, eagles come to swoop them away from the wreck they’ve brought to Team Australia. Thee eagles pass a helicopter going the opposite way, fleeing with a woman who wears pearls and claims this ride on the dole. One suited MP on the rocks whispers, “It’s over. It’s finally over. I’m glad to be here with you, Julie Bishop, at the end of all things.”

Smoke rises from the mountain of doom. The hour grows late and a new leader takes his throne of coal.

It’s been eight months since they set out in disguise to topple Tone. The New PM, Turnbull, jabbed some subtle barbs at Tony during the February leadership spill including a “captain’s call” comment. Anyone could see that before the February motion which Tony survived, #it was #on.

Silence and discontent, more and more news polls which showed everyone was unhappy with the government, until last Monday’s challenge. The #ItsOn tag dominated Twitter.

Now Malcolm is victor and the mutiny is complete. What’s next for Tone? Is he hiding in the ceiling of the PM’s house, rolling around in a field of his beloved coal, being boiled alive by South Pacific island chiefs? Is he fishing in a cave, walking on his hands and feet?

No, we have revived an ancient tradition.

In Athens, the voters would have regular elections. They wrote their vote on ostraka, pieces of broken pottery which were so common that people used them as scrap paper. If the winner of this election had more than 6,000 votes, they’d be exiled from Athens for ten years. Ostracised.

I can name 6,000 people in my neighbourhood who have been voting this way in their sentiments, prayers and those hideous renewable energy sources we’ve started buying since we don’t really have an ozone layer anymore.

So where did Tony go first, after we launched him into the Pacific Ocean with nothing but his wits and speedos?

First he found the body of Peter Dutton floating by, water lapping at his shoes. Tony used it as a raft, but NOT A BOAT. It’s a raft, okay?

He paddled to his nearest friend, New Zealand. The Kiwi People treated him to hospitality and bid him watch their athletic games. Then he learned that 79% of their energy is renewable. Tony vomited up his edible plate and would not eat their food, or drink their water tainted by renewable hydroelectric damming. He survived on the body of Peter Dutton and rectally ingested his iron heart.

He spent a long time lost among the islands of the South Pacific, floating often on infinite fields of water. Soon the local sirens sung him down to the sunken islands of Kiribati, where they kept him and cared for him well. Tony soon remembered he had to get back to his wife.

He used his triathlon skills to find the nearest island. It was enormous. Tony climbed a palm tree to look out over the land. Never had he seen land so fertile and ever-reaching. When his elite English tutors taught him that Australia was the largest island, they must’ve been lying.

It was the bloated political body of Joe Hockey. That wasn’t a palm tree, it was a cigar.

He swam until he found a real island. On the way, he encountered three boats. Each one asked the same: What news in Australia? There is word of mutiny. Tony told them, The country is lost to the greenies! Turn around! Turn around your boats, lest you be treated like people seeking asylum and not concentration camp inmates! Turn around!

All ignored him. They were doomed.

At the island, a thick throng of native men greeted him holding worker’s tools. They showed him hospitality much like New Zealanders. He asked who they were, if they recognised him. The natives pointed to him. “Man.” Then themselves. “Us.”

He was one of them. Tony wore the local clothes, a polo shirt and shorts with thongs, the attire of the peasants whose dole money he once spent. He drank their kava and they chanted, “Man! Us! Man! Us!”

He asked again where he was and an old man parted the crowd, a beard reaching to his knees. Tony asked again, Where am I?

The man looked him up and down. “You are Uncle Tone. You have been here before.”

He looked around. The crowd was still chanting. The old man pointed.

“This is the man who kept the camps open! This is the one who visited us last week! He was the man who laughed.

Man. Us. Manus. Manus Island. Papua New Guinea.

They ate Tone and rectally ingested his heart, a piece of coal whose size Santa would admire.

Tone’s house filled with greenies, who competed to be the man of it. Tone’s pet Credlin grew old and died on an unmaintained pile of kale. The day they ate Tone, wind turbines sprouted all over the country. The ozone hole he adored and cared for closed its burning eye forever.

The Eye of Climate Change Denial.

The Eye of Climate Change Denial.

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It’s ok! They’re Christians

September 11, 2015

Clause I

We, the government and white creators of the Continent of Australia, people so white that we decided our island should be the shape of the Bat Signal, in the presence of the one and only God of the Anglicans who may or may not be King Henry VIII with his shirt off, do hereby declare that we will take more Syrians.

We will help Christians, who worship of the sky that did create the Earth and chopped off His wives’ heads. We will help those who go to church and rest on Sunday, but not Friday or Saturday for that is when we drink and when no one in God’s entirely green non-warming flat Earth has their holy day. We will take the mild mannered, the heavy drinkers, who are white and racist but not against us. We will help people who most resemble Australians, living in occupied land and not really at the same risk of dying as the Muslims in ISIS territory. Wait a minute why are ISIS killing the Muslims? I thought they were the bad people. Oh okay, that’s just what we tell them. No don’t type that.

Clause II

We do declare the sea level may be rising. The dwelling of Rl’yeh may soon swallow the South Pacific and this is quite funny. Oh shit a boom mic. Climate change is still complete crap. Please respect my private conversation, by the way can we have your Internet metadata? You have nothing to hide if you’ve done nothing illegal. Oh yes, you have been a naughty boy or girl. Oh yes, The Pirate Bay. Oh, South Park reruns, yes! ASIO will be watching you close, you miscreant.

Source: ABC News

Clause III

We declare that jokes about Pacific islands and people’s homes sinking into the ocean will have no effect on a political career. If the joker was someone whose office heard twice about the decision to stop and search people for citizenship papers in the street, then denied knowing about it, you may consider that to be the lubricant that prepares people for this self-fucking moment caught on film. The moment will fit smoothly and be forgotten after a while, so loose will be the morals of politicians. This microphone-clad event will glide in and out of the public psyche and the people will do nothing, even while the joking minister feels the salt spray of his joke fill him with embarrassment like a seawater enema. Other politicians will remember and ask, hey Minister, remember the time you fucked yourself? Then all present will forget it.

It looks something like this.

It looks something like this. Source.

The exception to Clause III will be if the people make this business viral. Keep reminding each other and the politicians involved. Bring it to the Minister’s attention and let that self-fucking sensation pummel through the colon of politics, until good sense lashes into it and dampens the fires of arrogance.

Ipso facto, a Minister cannot fuck himself and feel it (what do you mean or herself? Can you get female members of cabinet?) unless people help a little.

House of Border Guards

June 15, 2015

Happy birthday!

It’s 800 years since the Magna Carta was born. A few grumbling barons pulled the equally grumbling king to a grassy patch of Runnymede, which is the closest a town name has ever come to being a drinking song. The Magna Carta (Great Charter, or literally Big Paper) declared that everyone in society was a servant of the law. Even the king. It was 1215 and the world was a little colder.

To understand King John's mood, imagine this conversation.

To understand King John’s mood, imagine this conversation.
“Sign here. Great. Here’s your phone. You’re now an Apple user.”
“What have I done?”

It’s 2015 now. It’s becoming fast apparent that Australia’s ruling party paid people smugglers to send away at least one boatload of asylum seekers. This crime carries up to 20 years in prison, since people smuggling is the oil that keeps slavery running.

Here’s my prediction:

More evidence will appear. There will be no arrests.

Why no arrests? Because to arrest a Member of Parliament, the Attorney General must approve. That man is George Brandis, whose most famous fights in office have involved stopping asylum seekers from entering UN Refugee Charter Nation Australia, plus loosening Racial Discrimination laws. His reasoning? Not that people need protection from State censorship, or the ability to debate and strengthen ideas (the reasons why freedom of speech exists), but that we “have a right to be bigots.”

The Attorney General’s office is designed to take a lawyer and pull them out of their political career for a while, so they can take care of the High Court and defend the government if need be. They’re meant to be impartial and keep the court independent, aloof, unbiased.

When the office came to Australia a century ago, much like the convicts and settlers, it changed. Now the Attorney General is a senior member of Cabinet, who slugs it out in the political arena and is expected to keep the court biased. All for the Party. If someone wants to give the government legal trouble, they come through Big Bad Brandis first.

Oh – since 1903, the Attorney General has been allowed to intervene in court cases. If you put a human trafficker in a court, then lower Brandis down from the ceiling, he will legally be a deus ex machina. He becomes judge and god.

On the third day of legal proceedings, Attorney General Brandis abrogated the case against the Prime Minister. He then removed all brown looking people from the courtroom and he saw that it was good.

On the third day of legal proceedings, Attorney General Brandis abrogated the litigation. Records show he then removed all brown looking people from the courtroom and he saw that it was good.

So why will there be more evidence?

Because the leaks come in organised bursts, each one just in time for a fresh news day. There is motive. The Prime Minister is one of the most unpopular ever, several people around him want his seat. People who worked for the refugee camps are lining up to report every kind of abuse which humans can use to attack each other. There’s a focus on child victims.

So if someone is betraying Tony Abbott, who is it?

The most likely candidate to succeed the PM would be Malcolm Turnbull, who likes to dig in his barbs when things look especially bad for PM Abbott. Around the same time, he does a capital job of selling himself to the public. To get around the many far right elements of his party who disagree with his liberalism, Turnbull has to be shrewd. Still, his leadership is a matter of time. In 2009, when Abbott was far more popular, he took the leadership from Turnbull by one vote.

Then there’s Foreign Affairs Minister Julie Bishop. She’s been loyal, totally loyal, but only pragmatically. In the February leadership spill, she backed down only when it became apparent that the PM had a good chance of leaving at least one greasy paw on his chair. She gambled and thrived.

Fun fact: Before politics, Julie Bishop was a WA solicitor for asbestos user CSR. She drew out the court case so that the victims would die and the companies would owe their grieving families less money. Lawyer Peter Gordon reported that she asked why victims “should be legally entitled to jump court queues just because they were dying.”

It could be someone lower in the Party who wants more power in the reshuffle that follows. Perhaps it’s a well connected someone or ones from a rival party. It’s possible that Tony Abbott is an idiot savant who was made for pandering to people’s ignorance, but is clumsy with hiding evidence. Perhaps he’s not psychopathic enough to make sure the traffickers and refugees who witnessed the payment were silenced, or he’s sociopathic enough not to think of it.

Pictured: Not Tony Abbott.

Pictured: Not Tony Abbott.

There’s a phenomenon called the Cobra Effect. In the British Raj, there was a plague of cobras. The British gave a cash reward to anyone who killed the snakes. They weren’t used to the clever Asian traders. People hacked the system and began to breed cobras and make a snake-killing. When the British discovered this, they scrapped the reward. Those snake peddlers had no use for their stock anymore. They released the cobras into the wild and the population increased.

Paying people smugglers to skip the dangerous action of offloading their human cargo is a Cobra Effect.

Meanwhile, watch this story. There’s more to come.

Anti-Vaxxers are Fined All Over the World

April 16, 2015

Warning: This article contains pictures of Hugo Weaving.

Australia is smacking down the anti-vaxxers, isn’t that great?

People are nothing but a cluster of monkeys who’ve learned to work together. You would expect us to get rid of viruses before we dealt with other problems like preadators and border disputes, because we move and think like viruses.

Pouting Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Pouting Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

Actually, we only move a little like viruses.

We no longer go hunting for days and then chew away at a deer for a week like other animals. We converge on buildings in groups, we follow the orders of people who follow orders. If you saw a city from far above, you would see a million dots moving like they all had one mind.

So really, humans are most like ants or Bollywood actors. They were probably the first threats we learned to eliminate and although they still exist, they don’t swarm and kill us like they used to. After that the thing we most resemble is a computer program. But we did make those.

Laughing Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Laughing Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

It makes more sense that we should get rid of viruses when we’re a little more advanced, say after 10,000 years of civilisation. That’s where we are now.

When Australia’s leaders decided to cut the benefits of people who didn’t vaccinate their kids, a ripple of excitement spread from Canberra all around the world. People are patting Uncle Tone on the back for doing something right. He’s ending viruses, isn’t that grand?

Well, it’s not in his nature to make people vaccinate their kids. In 2006, the anti-cervical cancer drug came out and Southern Cross Broadcasting asked Abbott if he’d want it for his daughters. But he stuck to his crucifix shaped guns.

“I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated, maybe that’s because I’m a cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard but, look, I won’t be.”

Tone ’06

So like, you poke them in the arms and thousands of dead organisms go into their vaginas? Ew, they’re not hussies.

This appeals more to Tone and Uncle Morrison because they’ll be cutting welfare payments as punishment. It’s fine for upper class trendy mothers who want to look alternative, but the impressionable and jobless, the intellectually disabled who can’t tell Alex Jones apart from the news, the mentally ill with their tinfoil hats? Oh boy, we’ll show those poors.

You're not wrong, Tone. You're not wrong.

You’re not wrong, Tone. You’re not wrong.

Maybe, mayyyybe, the ruling Party is sticking to the financially Liberal philosophy that gets them votes and they did it for the revenue raising. It sounds evil, but they’re just being good to their voters.

Most people haven’t thought about other ways to help get kids vaccinated and keep the infant mortality away. But there are farm more options. Here are a few things other countries are already doing:

Pakistan

If you don’t take the polio vaccine in Pakistan, you go to prison. But it’s okay, because they have an awful record with fair trials. Your case might never go to court, so you get free accommodation for the rest of your shortened lifespan.

Slovenia

Your three month old baby will get shots for tuberculosis, tetanus, polio, pertussis and Haemophilus influenza type B. By 18 months they have the Measles-Mumps-Rubella, the vaccine which caused all this trouble by being accused of causing autism by a discredited doctor who had hidden financial interests. Before they start school they get the Hep B vaccine. Otherwise you get a fine. Almost everyone follows this program, though only 50% of people get non-mandatory shots like HPV. I can’t find how that breaks down by gender, but they’re probably a bunch of girls.

Latvia

Mandatory vaccines are free and free vaccines are mandatory. Health care workers are encouraged to collect the signatures of people who decline vaccines, because if the Illuminati is based anywhere it’s probably somewhere small in Eastern Europle.

United Kingdom

The autism vaccine controversy started in the UK. In the 10 years after the fake report linking the two, vaccination rates dropped by a minor 12% or so. Cases of measles rose from 56 to 1,348. Damn. Let’s not talk about the UK.

Many European countries took a simpler route than Australia which doesn’t make the poor poorer. They just wrote a law that says “Get your shots. It’s illegal not to get certain shots.”

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal

Belgium

Bulgaria

Czech Republic

France

Greece

Hungary

Italy

Latvia

Malta

Poland

Romania

Slovakia

Slovenia

(Source)

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal And Are So Old They Don’t Exist Anymore

The British Empire

Napoleonic France

The German Empire

Point is, this is nothing new. The precedent has existed for a long time. Maybe Australia’s humble entry into the Fuck Measles Club has been noticed because it’s the most progressive thing we’ve done in a long time. The world is watching us like episode 9 of Game of Thrones, which is the one where main characters die no matter what season it is. “Don’t let it be the Barrier Reef. Don’t let it be the aboriginal communities. Oh damn it, gay marriage. I liked him and he wasn’t even in it for an episode.”

I guess our news is getting … infectious.

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A 50-Something Speaks From 2015

August 6, 2014

This new budget is perfect.

In my day, we left high school and worked the farm or took an apprenticeship. It’s the best option. The school system doesn’t have enough money anymore and they’ve thrown out the Gonski education reforms we spent years and millions developing. What does David Gonski know about bright futures? He was born in South Africa, left after a massacre and is on 40 different corporate boards. He’s lost hundreds of millions of dollars in his life and had his masterpiece deleted from the government’s website in a second. I’m sure it felt like watching the house you built disappear. Gonski hasn’t struggled a day in his life.

No one needs Uni. Cut the funding, make them private. If you want to make big money, work in the mines. Hurry up, in 2020 China will stop using coal. How can you make money at Uni when a Journalism degree probably costs 90,000 dollars now? The youngsters who enrol for uni in 2015 won’t know how much their course costs. Well, insecurity and the shadowy threat of starvation hang over us all. Get used to it. If you change that, you ruin the way things are.

Can’t find work? Move. Leave your family, your girlfriend and your pets like the Anzacs did. Forget your friends and how home feels. Move, like the last 25 years didn’t happen. Forget you were alive, go to the mines and bury yourself. Move. We’re at war with laziness and there are the trenches. Will you die for your country?

A homeless boy just asked me for spare change. He said he has daily seizures, was trying to raise seven dollars to see the doctor. He’d made six. Idiot, he needs another five for a prescription, plus seven for an X-ray. If he had a job he could support his kids, but the Green Army can’t take him. Bludgers annoy me. Another was on a rental blacklist because she couldn’t pay both her rent and her uni fees. It’s the norm now. “Experts” like the CEO of Jobs Australia say young students and families will turn to crime and sex work. Did they write the budget? The only Expert is Joe Hockey. If he says there’s a good reason to give dole recipients nothing for six months at a time there must be, whatever it is.

We had it far harder, us from Abbott and Hockey’s generation. Walked two kilometres in the snow to schools that had enough resources and rooms that weren’t cramped. We didn’t have cushy video games, just a sense of community and far less depressed people. We worked our fingers away, because there was more than one job for every three job seekers. We were proud of the jobs handed to us when our free Uni courses ended. Now? We live far longer and we spend it all complaining. We can communicate with anyone, anywhere but we can’t go to the Ozone destroying jobs created by heroes like Gina Rhinehart. We can go into space, but we spend our lives on the lounge with our Nintendo machines.

It’s very likely I’ll be made redundant soon and I’ll get another job because for some reason, people love hiring over 50s now. Couldn’t we fund science, the arts, technology and other things that will make us great in 10 years when mining profits disappear and encourage entrepreneurs to create jobs in those fields, so that we have a cycle of job creation rather than creating an unemployed generation in a country where only one third of the jobless can get jobs? No, that’s silly. Let’s eat two thirds of the young and their babies.