Archive for April, 2015

Reasons Why No One Knows Aussie History Is Balls-Out Insane: Reality TV

April 28, 2015

Trigger Warning: Contains Mel Gibson.

I just watched the first episode of Gallipoli, the TV series that stormed our living rooms early this year. It starts with a bang and introduces the deep bonds between the Aussie kids watching each other die, the writing is perfect, it drips with humanity and it was beaten by reality TV.

Source: The great [url=http://bostondanceparty.deviantart.com/art/Australia-162070359]BostonDanceParty[/url]

Source: The great BostonDanceParty

It was the most explosive and important thing on Australian television in a long time, except no one heard that explosion under the sounds of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

It showed after The Block, which finished late and made Gallipoli’s timeslot unreliable.

I’m A Celebrity is top news today [This article was written in March], with some former English cricketer winning the … whatever it was. He was crowned King of the Jungle after beating some footballer and some TV personality. May his kingdom prosper until a lion eats him and takes back its crown.

When I read the ‘Celebrity’ cast of the show that beat Gallipoli, I become an owl for a minute. “Who? Who? Who?”

Channel 9 didn’t advertise the show’s strengths. They called it the “TV event of 2015,” which doesn’t mean anything. Maybe Channel 9 didn’t believe in this show, since it didn’t display Griffith’s dodgy past and Matthew Newton’s buttocks in a pile of money. Since they dropped the ball, let me sell it to you.

Gallipoli isn’t the same story you’ve seen before. You look in the child faces of the diggers who lied about their age. When they kill, they suffer. Tolly comforts his mother, who cries when she finds out he’s enlisted with his brother Bevan. Soon after, with bullets buzzing overhead, the brothers’ friend yells “Oh bugger this! Who wants to go back down to the beach for a swim?” They vote Aye with shaking voices, then run into the bullets. Child soldiers die. The brothers get separated and Bevan’s earlier words chill: “Stay close. I promised Mum.”

Unlike Underbelly Season 2: A Tale of Two Buttocks, Gallipoli is historically accurate. Based on a bestselling book, adapted by one of Australia’s greatest screenwriters. The cast is iconic. The actors still have their Aussie accents, unlike some Gallipoli film actors I could name.

GEMMIE BACK MAY SON

GEMMIE BACK MAY SON

There’s a movement to celebrate Aussie history, gaining more and more talent. When a show that defines our national character comes along, just try it. A good, entertaining, mind blowing history lesson is life changing.

Originally intended for publishing in a newspaper that doesn’t take columns anymore, but didn’t tell any of their columnists that.

Anti-Vaxxers are Fined All Over the World

April 16, 2015

Warning: This article contains pictures of Hugo Weaving.

Australia is smacking down the anti-vaxxers, isn’t that great?

People are nothing but a cluster of monkeys who’ve learned to work together. You would expect us to get rid of viruses before we dealt with other problems like preadators and border disputes, because we move and think like viruses.

Pouting Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Pouting Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

Actually, we only move a little like viruses.

We no longer go hunting for days and then chew away at a deer for a week like other animals. We converge on buildings in groups, we follow the orders of people who follow orders. If you saw a city from far above, you would see a million dots moving like they all had one mind.

So really, humans are most like ants or Bollywood actors. They were probably the first threats we learned to eliminate and although they still exist, they don’t swarm and kill us like they used to. After that the thing we most resemble is a computer program. But we did make those.

Laughing Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Laughing Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

It makes more sense that we should get rid of viruses when we’re a little more advanced, say after 10,000 years of civilisation. That’s where we are now.

When Australia’s leaders decided to cut the benefits of people who didn’t vaccinate their kids, a ripple of excitement spread from Canberra all around the world. People are patting Uncle Tone on the back for doing something right. He’s ending viruses, isn’t that grand?

Well, it’s not in his nature to make people vaccinate their kids. In 2006, the anti-cervical cancer drug came out and Southern Cross Broadcasting asked Abbott if he’d want it for his daughters. But he stuck to his crucifix shaped guns.

“I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated, maybe that’s because I’m a cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard but, look, I won’t be.”

Tone ’06

So like, you poke them in the arms and thousands of dead organisms go into their vaginas? Ew, they’re not hussies.

This appeals more to Tone and Uncle Morrison because they’ll be cutting welfare payments as punishment. It’s fine for upper class trendy mothers who want to look alternative, but the impressionable and jobless, the intellectually disabled who can’t tell Alex Jones apart from the news, the mentally ill with their tinfoil hats? Oh boy, we’ll show those poors.

You're not wrong, Tone. You're not wrong.

You’re not wrong, Tone. You’re not wrong.

Maybe, mayyyybe, the ruling Party is sticking to the financially Liberal philosophy that gets them votes and they did it for the revenue raising. It sounds evil, but they’re just being good to their voters.

Most people haven’t thought about other ways to help get kids vaccinated and keep the infant mortality away. But there are farm more options. Here are a few things other countries are already doing:

Pakistan

If you don’t take the polio vaccine in Pakistan, you go to prison. But it’s okay, because they have an awful record with fair trials. Your case might never go to court, so you get free accommodation for the rest of your shortened lifespan.

Slovenia

Your three month old baby will get shots for tuberculosis, tetanus, polio, pertussis and Haemophilus influenza type B. By 18 months they have the Measles-Mumps-Rubella, the vaccine which caused all this trouble by being accused of causing autism by a discredited doctor who had hidden financial interests. Before they start school they get the Hep B vaccine. Otherwise you get a fine. Almost everyone follows this program, though only 50% of people get non-mandatory shots like HPV. I can’t find how that breaks down by gender, but they’re probably a bunch of girls.

Latvia

Mandatory vaccines are free and free vaccines are mandatory. Health care workers are encouraged to collect the signatures of people who decline vaccines, because if the Illuminati is based anywhere it’s probably somewhere small in Eastern Europle.

United Kingdom

The autism vaccine controversy started in the UK. In the 10 years after the fake report linking the two, vaccination rates dropped by a minor 12% or so. Cases of measles rose from 56 to 1,348. Damn. Let’s not talk about the UK.

Many European countries took a simpler route than Australia which doesn’t make the poor poorer. They just wrote a law that says “Get your shots. It’s illegal not to get certain shots.”

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal

Belgium

Bulgaria

Czech Republic

France

Greece

Hungary

Italy

Latvia

Malta

Poland

Romania

Slovakia

Slovenia

(Source)

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal And Are So Old They Don’t Exist Anymore

The British Empire

Napoleonic France

The German Empire

Point is, this is nothing new. The precedent has existed for a long time. Maybe Australia’s humble entry into the Fuck Measles Club has been noticed because it’s the most progressive thing we’ve done in a long time. The world is watching us like episode 9 of Game of Thrones, which is the one where main characters die no matter what season it is. “Don’t let it be the Barrier Reef. Don’t let it be the aboriginal communities. Oh damn it, gay marriage. I liked him and he wasn’t even in it for an episode.”

I guess our news is getting … infectious.

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