Posts Tagged ‘politics’

It’s ok! They’re Christians

September 11, 2015

Clause I

We, the government and white creators of the Continent of Australia, people so white that we decided our island should be the shape of the Bat Signal, in the presence of the one and only God of the Anglicans who may or may not be King Henry VIII with his shirt off, do hereby declare that we will take more Syrians.

We will help Christians, who worship of the sky that did create the Earth and chopped off His wives’ heads. We will help those who go to church and rest on Sunday, but not Friday or Saturday for that is when we drink and when no one in God’s entirely green non-warming flat Earth has their holy day. We will take the mild mannered, the heavy drinkers, who are white and racist but not against us. We will help people who most resemble Australians, living in occupied land and not really at the same risk of dying as the Muslims in ISIS territory. Wait a minute why are ISIS killing the Muslims? I thought they were the bad people. Oh okay, that’s just what we tell them. No don’t type that.

Clause II

We do declare the sea level may be rising. The dwelling of Rl’yeh may soon swallow the South Pacific and this is quite funny. Oh shit a boom mic. Climate change is still complete crap. Please respect my private conversation, by the way can we have your Internet metadata? You have nothing to hide if you’ve done nothing illegal. Oh yes, you have been a naughty boy or girl. Oh yes, The Pirate Bay. Oh, South Park reruns, yes! ASIO will be watching you close, you miscreant.

Source: ABC News

Clause III

We declare that jokes about Pacific islands and people’s homes sinking into the ocean will have no effect on a political career. If the joker was someone whose office heard twice about the decision to stop and search people for citizenship papers in the street, then denied knowing about it, you may consider that to be the lubricant that prepares people for this self-fucking moment caught on film. The moment will fit smoothly and be forgotten after a while, so loose will be the morals of politicians. This microphone-clad event will glide in and out of the public psyche and the people will do nothing, even while the joking minister feels the salt spray of his joke fill him with embarrassment like a seawater enema. Other politicians will remember and ask, hey Minister, remember the time you fucked yourself? Then all present will forget it.

It looks something like this.

It looks something like this. Source.

The exception to Clause III will be if the people make this business viral. Keep reminding each other and the politicians involved. Bring it to the Minister’s attention and let that self-fucking sensation pummel through the colon of politics, until good sense lashes into it and dampens the fires of arrogance.

Ipso facto, a Minister cannot fuck himself and feel it (what do you mean or herself? Can you get female members of cabinet?) unless people help a little.

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Anti-Vaxxers are Fined All Over the World

April 16, 2015

Warning: This article contains pictures of Hugo Weaving.

Australia is smacking down the anti-vaxxers, isn’t that great?

People are nothing but a cluster of monkeys who’ve learned to work together. You would expect us to get rid of viruses before we dealt with other problems like preadators and border disputes, because we move and think like viruses.

Pouting Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Pouting Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

Actually, we only move a little like viruses.

We no longer go hunting for days and then chew away at a deer for a week like other animals. We converge on buildings in groups, we follow the orders of people who follow orders. If you saw a city from far above, you would see a million dots moving like they all had one mind.

So really, humans are most like ants or Bollywood actors. They were probably the first threats we learned to eliminate and although they still exist, they don’t swarm and kill us like they used to. After that the thing we most resemble is a computer program. But we did make those.

Laughing Agent Smith can't be wrong.

Laughing Agent Smith can’t be wrong.

It makes more sense that we should get rid of viruses when we’re a little more advanced, say after 10,000 years of civilisation. That’s where we are now.

When Australia’s leaders decided to cut the benefits of people who didn’t vaccinate their kids, a ripple of excitement spread from Canberra all around the world. People are patting Uncle Tone on the back for doing something right. He’s ending viruses, isn’t that grand?

Well, it’s not in his nature to make people vaccinate their kids. In 2006, the anti-cervical cancer drug came out and Southern Cross Broadcasting asked Abbott if he’d want it for his daughters. But he stuck to his crucifix shaped guns.

“I won’t be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated, maybe that’s because I’m a cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard but, look, I won’t be.”

Tone ’06

So like, you poke them in the arms and thousands of dead organisms go into their vaginas? Ew, they’re not hussies.

This appeals more to Tone and Uncle Morrison because they’ll be cutting welfare payments as punishment. It’s fine for upper class trendy mothers who want to look alternative, but the impressionable and jobless, the intellectually disabled who can’t tell Alex Jones apart from the news, the mentally ill with their tinfoil hats? Oh boy, we’ll show those poors.

You're not wrong, Tone. You're not wrong.

You’re not wrong, Tone. You’re not wrong.

Maybe, mayyyybe, the ruling Party is sticking to the financially Liberal philosophy that gets them votes and they did it for the revenue raising. It sounds evil, but they’re just being good to their voters.

Most people haven’t thought about other ways to help get kids vaccinated and keep the infant mortality away. But there are farm more options. Here are a few things other countries are already doing:

Pakistan

If you don’t take the polio vaccine in Pakistan, you go to prison. But it’s okay, because they have an awful record with fair trials. Your case might never go to court, so you get free accommodation for the rest of your shortened lifespan.

Slovenia

Your three month old baby will get shots for tuberculosis, tetanus, polio, pertussis and Haemophilus influenza type B. By 18 months they have the Measles-Mumps-Rubella, the vaccine which caused all this trouble by being accused of causing autism by a discredited doctor who had hidden financial interests. Before they start school they get the Hep B vaccine. Otherwise you get a fine. Almost everyone follows this program, though only 50% of people get non-mandatory shots like HPV. I can’t find how that breaks down by gender, but they’re probably a bunch of girls.

Latvia

Mandatory vaccines are free and free vaccines are mandatory. Health care workers are encouraged to collect the signatures of people who decline vaccines, because if the Illuminati is based anywhere it’s probably somewhere small in Eastern Europle.

United Kingdom

The autism vaccine controversy started in the UK. In the 10 years after the fake report linking the two, vaccination rates dropped by a minor 12% or so. Cases of measles rose from 56 to 1,348. Damn. Let’s not talk about the UK.

Many European countries took a simpler route than Australia which doesn’t make the poor poorer. They just wrote a law that says “Get your shots. It’s illegal not to get certain shots.”

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal

Belgium

Bulgaria

Czech Republic

France

Greece

Hungary

Italy

Latvia

Malta

Poland

Romania

Slovakia

Slovenia

(Source)

European Countries That Made Vaccine Dodging Illegal And Are So Old They Don’t Exist Anymore

The British Empire

Napoleonic France

The German Empire

Point is, this is nothing new. The precedent has existed for a long time. Maybe Australia’s humble entry into the Fuck Measles Club has been noticed because it’s the most progressive thing we’ve done in a long time. The world is watching us like episode 9 of Game of Thrones, which is the one where main characters die no matter what season it is. “Don’t let it be the Barrier Reef. Don’t let it be the aboriginal communities. Oh damn it, gay marriage. I liked him and he wasn’t even in it for an episode.”

I guess our news is getting … infectious.

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