Posts Tagged ‘america’

Five Ways To Protect Marriage From … Them

July 2, 2015

Marriage is dominating the media. Times are changing, men with bald patches and women with musty perfume are uncomfortable. Minority groups are marching on the sacred ground of matrimony and soon every group of humans created by nature will be able to claim it. It’s unnatural. Something must be done.

Well, I have the answer. We must twist and change marriage until love resembles something as over-simple as one man and one woman.

Here are my ideas for how we can redefine marriage, so that they can’t use it for their … whatever they do. I don’t even know what they are. That’s how traditional I am.

Lifelong Tax Friendship

Marriage is a way of saying I will inevitably stand by this person. That’s why we must seal it with something inevitable. Two sexually submissive people dress up in traditional marriage wear and walk into a tax office. They then tear off a fifth of their clothes, give it to the desk clerk and spend the rest of their lives complaining to each other about what’s being done with their taxes. This is traditionally done in an armchair while holding a newspaper.

They must be submissive because the tax office always does the fucking.

Pictured: Tax.

Pictured: Tax.


The other inevitability. Marriage is when two people who’ve given up on dating come together and act out their favourite scene where two people kill each other, preferably to their actual deaths. A celebrant suggests to them a list of mutual deaths, such as Romeo and Juliet, King Arthur and Mordred, or (great photo op) Gandalf and the Balrog. Couples who complain about spoilers are told that it doesn’t matter because like their lives, spoilers are one barely seen wave in the eternal sea of phenomena and really don’t matter.

Pictured: The Muse of Love.

Pictured: The Muse of Love.

Carnival of the Tightarse

Marriage evolves to reflect the time period, but you didn’t read that here and neither did they. One theory of marriage’s origin is that it began with settlement and other forms of ownership. Early settlements wanted to make it obvious who inherited what based on parentage.

In these financially uncertain times, the civilised and noble can band together in the spirit of love and meanness. There’s a lavish feast, everyone the bondsmiths (one possible new word for people being married) have ever met are invited. People who’d be offended if they weren’t invited are seated on a stage for all to see and admire. Then the ceremony begins.

A celebrant measures the diameter of each bondsmith’s anus. They then fight in every way possible to make each other pay the bill. The fight is an omen of how they will manipulate each other for the rest of the marriage. It may become a battle of wits, an emotional duel of insults, brinkmanship with divorce threats or even a bloodsport. The latter is a great way to establish tribal alphas and betas.

It’s About Love

Marriage is meant to be about love. All the priests say so. Two people come together to declare their mutual love. People marry when they love each other. This will be enforced with an iron fist.

A priest class will be established to preside over marriages and help maintain them. They will be called the Inquisition and will wear red, the colour of love. An Inquisitor will lead the couple through the ceremony and every time he mentions that marriage involves love, the Inquisitor will look over the crowd with a cold gaze to make sure everyone understands. The Inquisitor will then speak this line as many times as there are people entering into the marriage:

“You, _______, will now take _______ as your lawfully wedded spouse(s) to love for all eternity, under the watch of all things and all beings, and the Inquisition. You will enter into this token by confessing your love for them. CONFESS!”

The Inquisition will spread over the land and root out all dull marriages. Those suspected of not being lovey enough will be imprisoned in a room full of Inquisitive instruments such as oysters, lists of weekend activities and Michael Bolton CDs. While some consider this to be torture, the Inquisition will be doing God’s work.

Francesco Hayez-378565

It’s About Breeding

Matrimony and technology will be blended into a perfect … marriage.

As we know, marriage is an institution between a man and woman designed to create new life as approved by God. The wife to be will be prepared in an electronic bridal dress, using a spherical assembler as seen in The Empire Strikes Back. She is trundled to the altar on a conveyor belt installed between two rows of church pews. The bride and groom are stamped with a number and their citizen IDs are updated. Then both are taken by truck to an immense white building of wires, harnesses and rooms kept at 23℃. The happy couple are connected at the hip by a rubber tube called the Eternal Ring of Married Bliss, or the HoneymoonLink. Bride and groom live face-down in separate rooms where their only view is a monitor showing an image of Jesus giving a thumbs-up. Feeding tubes and machines take care of their every need while HoneymonLink constantly transfers semen to the wife.

Over the years and technology’s swift ride forward, their obsolete human parts will be replaced by robotic instruments. They will become more machine than human, until only their souls and hundreds of progeny remain. They will be factories of human life with the Lord smiling down on them.


This is how we protect the sanctity of marriage. There are many ways to preserve our traditions and keep them serving the Bible, as marriage has been doing all through its 7,000 year history. You didn’t read that here, since the Earth is about half that age.
Have a blessed day.