Trolling Griffith: Hate Ahoy!

Griffith, I might not be with you much longer.

Work is picking up in Melbourne. If I find myself there with a houseful of drunken students, I promise to write every week I can. For now, you deserve an early going away present.

While I’m here to watch the fallout, I’m going to type every thought that makes me pause and wonder, “Wait, should I write that in public?” I know you scratch your heads sometimes and ask, “What’s he on about? He’s not picking a side.” That’s because you expect a shock jock. Us columnists have convinced you that to be skilful, we have to hate someone.

"It is hatred, hatred only, which raises me from my cold bedsheets and into the letters page."

See, opinion journalism is just like those wrestling shows your 12-year-old nephew likes. But nobody knows it’s fake. Instead of punches, we throw insults. Our signature move is our political bias. Mine is the Society Has It Wrong, which grown-ups call Philosophical Anarchism. So my arguments are never totally left or right wing. You forget that sometimes, it’s better to fly straight ahead. Not every argument has to end with someone wrong. Please stop screaming for me to break a fold-up chair over someone’s back, there’s always a better way. That’s why every shock jock is closed-minded.

What I write often isn’t my real beliefs. I’m a mind-opening entertainer.

Speaking of irrational! Damn it Atheism, you used to be a beautiful philosophy. “Maybe there’s no God. Maybe this is it, right here. Well, let’s make it into something worth living.” That was you 200 years ago. Now it’s “Whine whine irrational, whine hypocrisy, wahh wahh science wahh, invisible friend, bawwww.” Good-o, even if there’s no evidence that God is fake, using the word ‘science’ makes you automatically right.

I admire tolerant Atheists to the emotional brim. Each of your intelligent lieutenants has a bloodthirsty, loud army to defend. If you base your beliefs on hatred and intolerance, because you oppose hateful bigots, you’re a dictionary-defined hypocrite.

Richard Dawkins is running the world’s biggest daycare centre, where everyone has ADHD.

"Why must you hurt me this way, accursed Matthews?"

At the election, Julia Gillard will gag on Kevin Rudd’s head, which she bit off like a praying mantis. Serves her right for censoring the internet. A few thousand banned sites, most of them legal, including legitimate businesses added either by accident or to help a politician’s agenda. I love her, so do you. Don’t lie. Still, if Labor is a party, the mandatory ISP filter is the ridiculously large beer bong, or that one girl who hooks up with everyone to prove a point. It’s not there for anyone’s health, but to improve their standing – or, at the party, leglessness. Australia will realise this when child porn rings don’t end, bestiality videos keep flowing in, Queensland dentists continue operating, religions besides Catholicism keep thriving and we still live in a land not completely lined with gumdrops, where some fairies will never grow their wings. Or, when the nude young man realises, “I don’t know what that chick was trying to prove, but this itch will not go away and it terrifies me.” Labor get the sleazy wench, and we get the clap. That is why I’m an anarchist.

Stephen Conroy is a power-hungry political cowboy, who can suck Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger’s pube-mustachioed Brokeback cocks.

Goodbye, Griffith.


One Response to “Trolling Griffith: Hate Ahoy!”

  1. Casta Says:

    I hate Stephen Conroy more than I hate this 95% Strawberries and Cream kilo bag of Allen’s Party Mix.

    Sage goes in all fields.

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